25 Years of Life

Tomorrow I'll be celebrating my 25th birthday and I want to share this message to everyone who reads either on this blog or on the RSS feed in Facebook and GMail. I'm offline for the next two days since my community and I will be trekking to Mt. Pinatubo and staying in Don Bosco Pampanga for our year-end outing. I also can't answer greetings and messages in Facebook since it's still Lent. Facebook will have to wait for Easter. Please pass the word to others.

I have already been in a pensive mood since this morning and I'm happy that I have reached 25 years of existence and life. I feel so much blessed to have lived these 25 years in the love and care of so many friends and family. I thank God for the uncountable blessings he has showered upon me, all of them unmerited, and I am humbled by such grand display of divine generosity and lavishness.

I won't have the time or the capacity to thank everyone soon, let these short messages be an expression of my gratitude to everyone.

To God


Thank you so much for giving me a chance to exist, for giving me life, and for loving me just as I am. Thank you for wanting me and longing for me with a love that is passionate and deep, perfect and selfless. Thank you for sharing a life of love with me and an adventure that will last until eternity. Thank you for giving me my Salesian vocation, and the surprisingly great treasure of relationships that came with it. Thank you for everything. You are the greatest and the best.

To Mamsi and Papsi

Thank you for bringing me into the world. For the many sacrifices, tears, and love that cost you rearing me up. You know how much I love you with all my heart. I am sorry for all my shortcomings. For every birthday that comes to me I remember you and I'm reminded how I am eternally indebted to you. I am lucky to have you as parents, great people who have given me much and loved me the best way they can. Thank you for making  me feel I am the only treasure in the world and for believing in me. There is a long list of thanks I'm afraid I'd make a litany of them. I only hope that how I live my life would bring you honor and would make you feel I am how happy and grateful I am to be alive.

To my Relatives


I'm proud to have you as family. I have cousins who has shared my childhood, laughter, and tears with me; uncles and aunties who have pampered me with love and taught me life; lolo's and lola's whose wealth of wisdom and experience moves me onward. To them, I am thankful for sharing my life.

To my Salesian Confreres


I was happy when I finally formally joined the Salesian Society. In the congregation I have found many fathers who love me as their own son, mentors who believed in me and continues to push me on, brothers who love me as their own sibling, friends who simply are there and the my day is brighter and happier. I'm honored, and with a feeling of inadequacy and humility, to call you confreres. Thank you also to the DBFC Lawaan Community and my current DBPN Community. You are fathers and brothers who share my love of Don Bosco and my journey along the pergola of roses.

To my brothers in and out of the seminary


How could I forget my many elder brothers who helped and guided me when I entered the seminary or those I consider my younger brothers who come after me in formation? You are the very brothers that I had wished for and God did not spare me his plenty. Inside or outside the walls of the seminary, you have forever made your marks in my life. Your faces litter my photos and sprinkled my initial formation years with friendship and joy. I'd like to thank specially my best bud, Celso, my DBFC 2003 Batch, my Pre-novitiate batch, and my current batch for sticking with me. Special thanks to the biggest congregation in the world, the X-sems of Don Bosco.

To the Salesian Family and friends of Don Bosco


Thank you for the many Salesian Cooperators, FMA's, VDB's, ADMA's, Alumni and Alumnae, friends and benefactors of Don Bosco, who have strengthened my vocation and dedication. To the Amazona's of Don Bosco, to the lay mission partners: manang's and manong's who work behind the scenes. To the foreign volunteers that I met I owe the experience of enriching me with culture. There are so many of you, so many names to thank, and I wish to thank all from the bottom of my heart.

To my benefactors and spiritual help


I wish to thank those who continue to support me, materially and spiritually. I cannot name you here but I'd still like to extend to you my appreciation and love. To those who pray for me, men and women religious who I met along the way, thank you.

To friends, classmates and batchmates


A special thanks to those who lived life with me in Pasil, from my tender years until the present, you keep me rooted and human. To my classmates from kindergarten, to my Carolinian classmates who are now making their marks in society, to my Bosconians who shared the joy of high school, and to my Josenian mates, teachers, and engineers, thank you very, very, very much for filling my life with color.

To all young people I have met


My students, friends, and charges, you fill me with joy and inspire me to continue on. Thank you to the youth of Pasil, Lourdes, and Lawaan; to the Young Saints, KOA, Angels, and MYC of Lawaan; to the youth of Maghaway; to the trainees in Pasil; to the boys in Lilo-an, Maa, and Dumangas; to my catechism students in Lawaan, Tabunok, and Majada; to the Majada Youth and Palo Alto Youth; to the FOCM of CDBS. Thank  you, very, very, very, much for sharing life and joy with me. Thank you for trusting me and calling me kuya.

To my all my online friends and acquaintances


What would my online social life be without you? To all my friends and pokemates in Facebook, Multiply and  Friendster, Tweeter and GMail. Thank you so much.


It is not my wish or intention to leave out names and persons, so thank you so much everyone for being part of my life. God Bless you all.

Making a (little) Difference

I spent my whole day today with my young friends from San Isidro Labrador Chapel in Majada Out. I invited the youth group members for a swim in the college swimming pool. I expected thirty to come and eighteen came. The others couldn't make it for personal reasons.

It was a simple gathering. They brought their own food which we shared among us, from the humblest viand to the two 1.5L orange soft drink. We were after the fellowship and the fun of being together. Under the glaring sun, eighteen young people had their fill of laughter and joy, and a little bit of pool water.

Watching them under the hut (I was hiding from the noon sun), I began reflecting on what on earth I am doing. What is the meaning of bringing together some young people and giving them a good time? Is this my vision of changing the world when in my idealism I entered the seminary seven years ago? The frying heat was drying up my vigor as I watched the children splash in pure glee in the blue pool.

No, I couldn't hope to make a large difference on the world in the little things that I do for my friends. Organizing games and inserting basic human values, pep talks, and word-in-ear are minuscule compared to the bigger problems of the world. I am not a superhero, I reminded myself. But I know deep inside me, that as I watch these young people enjoying their time, oblivious to the darn noon sun, what I am doing is already making a difference, even if little. The best thing that I can do at my stage of life is to impress upon these youth that life is a gift, that there is hope, and there will always be someone who continues to love them. Not me, but God.

I Miss You, I Do

I MISS YOU, I DO

Sometimes I find myself feeling so sad as I reminisce

The days when you were here with me before

And when the days were sunny then

But the sun just has to set

And now I know

(That/As) I miss you more today

And I’m telling you someday

I will find you again

‘til then I’ll keep you

‘til then I’ll wait for you

‘til then I’ll love you

I do

You were in the days the sun was burning bright

In those days the sun shines brightly in your eyes

I miss those eyes looking at me. See me...

-o0o-

Music and Lyrics: Keith Amodia, SDB

Keyboard: Keith Amodia, SDB

Vocals: Keith Amodia, SDB

-o0o-

For long, I have wanted to compose a tribute song to Tita Brenda, a close friend during my novitiate days. Her untimely death and that of my uncle had deprived me of two people I love and care. Tita Brenda was a regular visitor and friend when I was in the novitiate. She has been battling cancer and emerged victorious. Her cancer never quelled her spirits. Now, she has become one of my heroes - a woman, mother, and friend whose inner strength conquered the bitterness of pain. My uncle Pholo saw me grow up. I have always felt special to him. Every time the bigger family gathers, he becomes my de facto guardian. I lost my angel when I transferred to Canlubang for my post novitiate. It is for this reason that despite my absence in his funeral, I compose this song for him.

In this song, I wished to convey the sadness, denial and confusion that comes along with bereavement. I started with the music and made it leap through the scale to emphasize the breadth of emotions that accompanies death. I inserted accidentals in the music and an irregular chord pattern to illustrate the confusion and irregularity of death.

Stay With Me

STAY WITH ME

There’s a song in my head playing all day long

Humming in my dreams, my heart beating all along

My world is spinning now, things going all too fast

Too fast to take it in, will this be our last?

I know that I’m not that strong enough to live all alone

I need someone to hold on to so tight

But time is ticking too fast, am I a thing of the past?

Now I’m asking you tonight

Stay with me, breathe for me

Live for me, never let go

Stay afloat, just hold on

Hold my hand, we’ll both be strong

My head’s all quiet now, just silence everywhere

The world is standing still, still I could not dare

I know that I’m not that strong enough to live all alone

I need someone to hold on to so tight

But time is ticking too fast, am I a thing of the past?

Now I’m asking you tonight

-o0o-

Music and Lyrics: Keith Amodia, SDB

Keyboard: Keith Amodia, SDB

Vocals: Keith Amodia, SDB

-o0o-

There were so many factors that inspired the making of this song. First was a broken friendship, another was my own insecurity over relationships, and other sad things from the past. In all these experiences, one thing is highlighted - that people can go in and out, beyond our control, of our lives. This song is my own quaint plea for people to stay committed. There seems to be so much unfaithfulness in the world we need men who can stand by their promises.

The Father's Song

THE FATHER'S SONG

Every morning you wake up with a question on your face

What is life? What is there to live for?

The emptiness is eating you from within

Who am I? What is there for me?

And the world is spinning, confusing you

But here I am calling you to me

Sleep tight my child and surrender

Close your eyes, embrace my peace

Sleep tight my child and surrender

In my arms you shall find your peace

You were known by me and loved before your birth

In my thoughts you live and clothed with much worth

You are mine to keep and love forever more

The day flies past you and you ask if you ever lived

Is there love? Are there real friends?

It's pulling you apart and tearing you within

I hear your heart calling out to me

For the world is spinning, confusing you

So here I am calling you to me

You searched and scoured the world but never found that peace

The peace you can't find in yourself

The peace you can only find in me

***

Lyrics, Music, and Vocals: Keith J. Amodia, SDB

Keyboard: Vince Michael Sabal, SDB

***

I composed this song in one of my saddest days. There are times when the paralyzing sadness and confusion are so strong you feel helpless against life. Yet, I remembered that these are the very times that we are asked to surrender everything and allow our Heavenly Father to take care of us. When one has no more strength to carry on, God is always there to become that Strength.

Off the Radar

Many people have been asking me where I am. Maybe because they don't see me bubbling on Facebook. Just to quell fears of my alien abduction or my untimely death, it's Lent and I just felt that the time is right to let go of some things, for now.

Someone objected violently. How is it that I keep on posting notes in Facebook? We'll, that's the beauty of RSS feeds. You see, my blog and my Facebook account are married happily. Whenever I post in Blogger, it gets reposted in Gmail Buzz and in Facebook. So don't get scandalized if Facebook tells you that I posted something in the middle of the night. It's the Facebook server pulling my blog writings off Blogger.

Facebook will have to wait until Easter. Ciao!

Skills and Talents

I like Sunday afternoons because its at my disposal for personal use. Today, I honed my shooting skills in Basketball, maybe inching up one percent from zero in the three-point shoot-out efficiency scale. The aspirants were using the other basketball court so I had to do with the age-old Ferrari court and I met aspirant Geobert there, practicing his football kicks.

A conversation started amid the bouncing balls and I told him that I need to improve my skills in preparation for my practical training. You see, you have a little bit of everything so that you can be of some help to the boys in many ways. You don't have to master all skills, the basics would have can already win hearts. Then he pointed, and it is universal truth, that we always have some forte we can be proud about and some areas where the room of improvement is as big as a standard-size football dome.

Then I surprised both of us when I said that what is not your talent is your skill. We all have our talents, some are naturally good dancers who groove as if they don't have a bit of bone in their limbs, some are natural virtuoso's who are music incarnate, some are angels that seemed to have lost their way going to the choir their voices so sweet and melodious a single note is enough to rouse varied emotions and a bucketful of tears. Talents are natural, we all have them but not all of them. 

What is not your talent is your skill. It means you might be naturally good at it but you can always improve by practice and hard work. It also means that any skill can be learned also by practice and hard work, and all skills are essentially reachable by anyone who aspires. As the Milo advertisement goes, great things start from small beginnings, I could become a professional three point shooter. I wish.

Back to the Basic

We are now in the third day of Lent and I can already feel it settling inside my soul. The bareness of Lent, the reduced noise, the tempered day, and the discipline is not something that is quite inviting, but having gone 24 times through the season, I begin to see its value.

The bareness of Lent is best seen in the sanctuary of the chapel where the sacristan removes the regal decors and the remaining flamboyance of the previous feasts. It is just bare cold stone and a few necessary things. It represents the way we remember who we truly are without the many layers of coatings we use to hide our true selves. It is the removal of all those layers of grime and sin that has accumulated over time, to reveal the marble that is God's workpiece.

Silence could be deafening because once you remove the noise outside, you take notice of the noise inside you. We make a lot of noise. We Bosconians are known for our boisterous laugh and high spirits. But there are other levels of noise than those in the wavelengths perceptible by the human ear. There is the noise of daily life, things that are not necessary and useful but we do them anyway without knowing why. There is the noise of society, those prejudices and stereotyping we take part in because it is common. There are many more outside the person and shared by many. Taking notice of them and lowering their volume makes us aware of the more noise inside.

The noise inside is more difficult to face. When the mind is too preoccupied of other things it loses track of what is essential, and when the heart starts to explode in a volcanic eruption of suppressed emotions and of issues and traumas we are too afraid to face, who can bear it? The noise inside us needs more effort to quiet down. A real effort at focusing and discipline is the key.

And here comes the real value of Lent, it invites us to practice focus and discipline, values the world undervalues. Like a tool that needs to be sharpened, the human will is sharpened by self-discipline after a year of abuse and misuse. They say practice makes perfect, if so, then Lent is that practice of following Christ more faithfully through self-discipline. Don Bosco is right after all. We don't need to do extraordinary penance, for going back to the basic, what is already there to discipline is enough penance for us to please the Lord as we traverse the road to perfection.

On Solid Rock

A close friend recommended to me an article (which he did not know I already read) he thought would be of interest to me. I reread my own copy of it in the hopes of getting something new as is always the case when you read again an article. My eyes fell upon this quotation from a study by Weiser:

"... clergy are the most often unaware that they are at risk. Their own perceptual distortions lead them to believe that they are functioning adequately; and yet manifestations of anger and hostility, the alienation of counselees or congregational members, and the regular assigning of blame to others  indicate that something is wrong. But often the religious professional will deny the presence of symptomatic behaviors, even when confronted directly."

Only one phrase rang a bell: perceptual distortions. It is the quiet filter in our vision of the self that colors how we think we really are. I could be wearing one for all I know. I believe it is a silent cruel evil because it distorts the truth because of self-made assurances. It struck me because I know of people who think they are good but in the measure of real goodness, they flunk.

It made me question, how can we be ever sure that we are in the right path or that we are acting rightly, truly, and sincerely? Or are we all victims to our own subjective conditions: how we were brought up, how we view the world, how we have come to know ourselves, or how the faith has been passed on to us? How can we be ever sure that we are doing God's will?

It is important for me because I am a religious who will witness to the Truth. If I am not in the Truth, then I am no witness. If I color the Truth, then it is no longer the Truth but a lie. Without my wanting it, my actions will always be observed, judged, and taken notice of by the people around me simply because I am a religious. Such a high expectation from our culture demands from me strictest possible discipline that I can place on me.

DETECT AND TEST

There is the danger for the religious to spiritualize everything, that something black become gray. We might not know it but we are already wolves in sheep's clothing. So the call to purify intentions remains valid. As I thought over this, Jesus' words came to me: You will know a tree by its fruit. The most crucial thing is to detect that something is wrong and you can detect the symptoms of deeper problems by the way a person acts: "... and yet manifestations of anger and hostility, the alienation of counselees or congregational members, and the regular assigning of blame to others  indicate that something is wrong." If you can't reconcile a person's words and his actions, there is something wrong in the middle.


We can always test ourselves and the fruit of our actions against what St. Paul expects of those who live in the Spirit. Are the fruits of the Spirit visible in us? Even more, here we underline the importance of examining our consciences at the end of the day in a two-fold question: what are the bad things we have done and the good we have failed to do?

Another big help that I know of is asking other people. If you have real close friends you can ask for feedback on how you can improve better your self. It is also important to listen to criticisms because each spite holds a grain of truth. Don Bosco has always encouraged approaching a spiritual director and confessor, angels who will guide you in your path.

One important question that I inherited from formation and I find useful as a religious asks me: How close am I to the person of Christ? Because I am a religious I have to emulate and personify Christ before people. But let me extend this question even to the lay and those who call themselves Christian. For by our name Christians, we implicitly announce that we follow Christ and we are willing to become like Christ.

ACCEPT

The most difficult phase perhaps is accepting that there is something wrong in me. This is the part where many people refuse to move forward toward change. For once the self-image is challenged, the ego will attempt to close its eyes on the truth. The truth is not always enjoyable, most of the time it is painful. It is more painful when it involves peeling off the sugarcoating and revealing the truer image of who we are. This takes humility, and a lot of it. How many times have we known we were wrong but preferred to gloss over it thinking it doesn't really matter?

CORRECT

Only when we are convinced of our imperfections can we strive to become more perfect. It takes time to correct a deeply-entrenched bad habit but little by little we can always undo such a habit. Scaling the heights of sanctity takes effort.


In my Philosophical studies, we deal with this on the question between Immanence and Transcendence. Is truth limited to the individual such that it is relative or is there something we can call Absolute Truth. My conscience tells me there is Absolute Truth.

Christ remains the true measure of Sanctity, the solid rock we can build our house on. We may possess our own perceptual distortions which will color our view of who we really are. Yet if we remember the brilliance of Christ's light, we can always gauge ourselves to his Truth. The Season of Lent starts tomorrow, perhaps these three little steps will help us in our Spiritual Growth.

Of Detachment and Moving On

Yesterday's Gospel asks one question: Am I willing to let go of all my attachments in answering the call of Christ for me?

I wanted very much to blog about it yesterday but didn't have the time since I have to wash my clothes (and yes, I wash my own clothes here in the post novitiate). This morning gives me ample time to think and reflect again, to draw out from the Gospel of Daily Life. In the gray and cold overcast morning of Canlubang, I received latest news of happenings that providentially coincides with my first reflection.

Aspirants come and go in the seminary. It is a sad but true fact that not everyone perseveres in the seminary. It is sad because as years go by you build a brotherhood and friendship that is quite an unforgettable heaven and to leave it behind is like going out of the gates of Eden. It is sad for both, for us who stay because we have to move on despite a dwindling number of candidates in a batch, and for those who have left because they will surely miss the seminary culture as they take on the new road which they believe is the right path for them. The coming and going of candidates is natural in the seminary where people come to discern or seek their true calling in life.

For this formation year, both seminaries in Canlubang and in Lawaan have guided vocations outside their walls. It is always a sad exchange of goodbyes, but it is also a victory for the discernment process. At the personal side, it takes a lot of courage to continue on without the usual friends that you are accustomed with. You have to let go of batch mates because they have their own paths to follow. This is the "moving on" for us, a drama that is unfamiliar for lay folk.

I am also happy for my friends who have chosen to continue their search for God outside the formation house. As we are the Church's investment inside her ranks, they have become her investment in the world. They have been specially trained and inculcated with the spirit and skills while in formation, and they will bring these in the world that is to become their field of work.

For us who believe we will find Christ in our perseverance in the Salesian Religious Life, it takes a double toll of detachment: of the unessential and of the one's self. Anything that is unessential in following Christ must be left behind. Anything that hinders one's heart to answer God's call must submit. I don't call it a total and absolute renunciation of the world because in following Jesus we remain in the world. Instead of dismissing the whole world altogether, we only take those parts that are useful in one's vocation. And this is the easier of the two, because in the second renunciation, we die to ourselves.

And I believe this is why there are fewer who persevere in the Priestly and Religious Life, because nowadays, it is so difficult to live this daily dying to one's self. This dying is not physical rather it involves the interior self of a person. A religious must discipline his own human nature to match it with Christ's perfect expression of poverty, chastity, and obedience. To sublimate one's energies, to rationalize one's passions, to curb one's appetite, to tailor the self to make it more like Christ is a radical option that goes beyond the extremes of Islamic extremists and the verbatim of the fundamentalist. This I believe is the ultimate discipline of the religious, the more proper expression of asceticism, the spiritual hair shirt that each religious should wear. This is the difficult part of the religious life in which so many of us fail.

The lay person must recognize this in his priest for him to appreciate the hidden struggles his pastor is doing for the sake of being a single-hearted Christ for his sheep. It is utter foolishness for the people of the world, but it is the only way to become Christ for other people. We have chosen to live this path, and we are willing to pay its demands. Why? Because in this path we have found Love so sublime that what we pay pales in comparison to what we have found and are fighting for.